Have a nice week Friesland! Still exhausted? I hope not, we have a lot more cravings ahead of us. Speaking of which, through this month’s auctions, previews, parties and dinners, I’ve started to reflect on my time reporting on this whole social scene of the art world. Over the writing of over 80 Wet paint gossip columns dedicated to opening the curtain, popping the lid, or poking fun at the art world, I’ve learned some wise lessons delving into those trenches.

The following is a assortment tips, tricks, ideas and other hard-earned knowledge. I can’t give away all my secrets, but here are some words for the wise that I’m going to share with you today. (Note: I extralegally refuse to take blame if any of these don’t work for you, sorry!)

#1

The queue is too long for an evening at the Whitney? Go to the entrance on the West Side Highway, they’ll probably let you in if you ask nicely.

#2

The rich and powerful are like horses. As soon as they sense fear, they get agitated. Proceed with confidence and composure and you’re set for a smooth ride.

#3

Los Angeles galleries don’t know how to party in New York. Nobody here wants to go all the way to the Boom Boom room just to wait in line.

#4

That said, New York galleries Really know how to throw a party in Los Angeles. The best way to make people happy is simply to go to the Castle.

#5

When a gallery owner tells you what they “request” for a piece, it’s usually not the same as what they will sell you, depending on who you are.

#6

Although it goes against everything I know about Southern hospitality, it East OK to skip opening and go straight to gallery dinner if work is late. But hitting both is always remembered and appreciated.

#7

You can tell you’ve really pissed off a gallery when they open an email with “Thank you for your continued interest in our program.” The venom is in the word “continued”.

#8

A table for lunch at 3 Guys is often more difficult than at Sant Ambroseus – and often more publicized.

#9

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t write the art world gossip column. Art managers would be. They know all your dirty secrets. Be nice or pay the price.

#ten

Playing your way into Paul’s Casablanca is playing chess, not checkers. Use the right opening gambit with the gatekeeper followed by a clever sequence of pawn moves (a smile, a wave, a look of overwhelming respect), and he may just let you past the list.

#11

If you’re an art world gossip columnist – or, probably, one of the many people an art world gossip columnist meets twice a night – you’re going to be disillusioned and maybe bitter about the excess of the whole thing about once a quarter. Taking a few days off helps. Complaining about it is not.

#12

Be kind to your employees. Some of my most incendiary scoops have come from disgruntled employees who feel ignored or undermined.

#13

It is only acceptable to wear one art world item at a time. Take off the Ballroom Marfa baseball cap, sir, you’re already wearing a Sky High Farms sweatshirt.

#14

The best drinkers in the art world are art advisors. If you think I’m talking about you, yes I am.

#15

Auction teams are like fraternity houses, if you want to have one, choose them and stick with them – Montagues and Capulets don’t mix for a reason.

#16

Obviously, your professional role in the art world is its own motto, but it’s pretty rude to ask directly what someone does for a living. I found that “So, are you an artist? is the most polite way to ask someone what they do in the art industry, because everyone would like to believe they could be one.

#17

On that note, it’s always “Nice to see you” and never “Nice to meet you.” You’re dealing with a lot of fragile egos and people like to be memorable.

#18

The hierarchy of respected mediums is as follows: sculpture, painting, drawing, photography, NFT. I will not answer any questions.

#19

The best name for a gallery I’ve ever heard is Bill Driven.

#20

Resist the urge to post a selfie in the Odeon bathroom every time you go there, it gets a bit redundant.

#21

If you’re going to a dinner party in Miami Beach, you’re not going to a party in the city of Miami. Unless your transfer is by boat or helicopter, the traffic on Collins Ave after 9 p.m. is enough to melt your makeup and dampen your buzz.

#22

Art Basel Miami Beach could very well be the worst week of your year, masquerading as a fun party in the sun. Be sure to set aside time for at least one Really fun thing, whether it’s dinner at Joe’s Stone Crab or, as I’ve enjoyed for the past few years, a morning jet ski session with some of your favorite art-world friends. Keeping spirits high is a high priority through all the stress and chaos and traffic of Collins Ave.

#23

Do not wear open-toed shoes at Mac’s Club Deuce. Trust me. If you do, take advantage of the trench foot contraction.

#24

Can’t find the afterparty address? Try to find someone wearing a blue blazer and a new pair of New Balance. Chances are they are going to the same place you are.

#25

David Zwirner is definitely the best place for a pit stop when exploring the gallery through Chelsea. The staff there are pleasantly simple to use their bathrooms.

#26

Studio visits: If you’re invited, you don’t have to say yes, but if you say yes, come prepared. Be prepared to listen, but don’t feel obligated to offer artist therapy. Always ask what an artist expects from the visit. Never promise anything.

#27

No bar could replace the special place the Rusty Knot holds in all of our hearts.

#28

Even though it sounds awfully romantic to take the Hamptons Jitney, the train will get you east much faster.

#29

The term “light bites” is actually code for “disappointing sliders.” Eat before.

#30

No matter how sick of the Dimes Square scene you get, don’t underestimate its staying power. As long as the drinks keep pouring at the Clandestino, artists and masters of the art will come.

#31

Never refuse an invitation to visit Palazzo Chupi. It is one of the most amazing places I have ever laid eyes on.

#32

You can have an unflattering BFA photo removed from the website if you know who to ask, and ask nicely enough.

#33

It’s true that nothing good ever happens after 2 am. Go home while you’re still having fun and before people get mean, manipulated or otherwise disreputable.

#34

We seriously need a new word for “rainmaker”. If everyone is a rainmaker, no one is.

#35

Follow Artnet News on Facebook:


Want to stay one step ahead of the art world? Subscribe to our newsletter to receive breaking news, revealing interviews and incisive reviews that move the conversation forward.